My Secret
by sophiak1997
Summary: a shock to someone close, read and review, how will a diagnosis affect Sam's life and future.
1. Chapter 1 The Diagnosis

She held a secret, which she would rather no one knew.

She was the ex-Army doc, who would always push herself to the max and not let anything stop her.

But…

Her body had other Ideas.

Just over a month ago I had started getting symptoms, the numbness in my legs, I had to phone in sick as I couldn't walk.

When I went to the hospital for an urgent spinal X-ray, when my fears were confirmed,

Lesions on my spinal cord.

I had MS.

That day I was issued with a wheelchair, crutches and some physio appointments and a whole load of medication.

I had gone from barely taking paracetamol to being on 6 drugs including injections when my symptoms occurred.

It is all a bit of a blur, I cried myself to sleep that night.

How was I going to do my dream job at Holby with MS.

Only time would tell how my life would turn out.


	2. Chapter 2 The morning after

Sam's POV:

I woke that morning, and just laid in my bed having everything the doctor said to me yesterday go round and round in my head.

You will be able to walk...numbness...tingling... muscle spasms... sudden loss of sensation.

I knew all about the condition I just cant believe that me of all people has it,

(starts hyperventilating)

I cant tell people...

they cant no..

they will treat me like im fragile, im not... IM NOT!

(says out loud)

I must not let this control me (deep breath) I will be NORMAL.

With that i jumped out of bed and picked out some gym clothes as I had physio before work.

I carefully walked down the stairs not quite trusting my legs yet. I saw my chair and crutches in the hallway where I had abandoned them yesterday.

Just the thought of having to use them made me emotional, the thought of losing my freedom, it brought tears to my eyes. I had to sit down on the steps and attempt to compose myself.

I stayed their for a good 10-15 mins before I gritted my teeth, swallowed hard and walked passed them to get some breakfast, fruit smoothie and bran flakes like normal.

After finishing I swiftly walked out my house grabbing my bag and keys with tunnel vision to drive to Holby.

I made sure I avoided the ED, and headed straight into the main hospital.

... I couldn't risk being seen, if someone was to find out it would make it real.

In the ED gossip spreads like wild fire,

everyone would treat me differently...

I could not let that happen...

no one can know, I am bigger than this and will take control.

(I said to myself)

before getting out of my car and making my way through the main hospital reception.

I signed in and took a seat in the rehabilitation unit, waiting to meet my physio Emma,

I just hoped she wouldn't give me one of those pity looks.

Will Sam and Emma see eye to eye?

only time would tell.


	3. Chapter 3Tthe physio session

I'm starting to get into writing this, will try and update every day or more.

The Physio session:

Sam's POV

I felt like I was sitting there for ages watching everyone but me be called in.

I heard someone say my name, she looked about 20-25, and she made me feel old. She introduced herself as Emma and she didn't give me that pity look when she saw me.

I put on my false smile and stood up.

As I was walking towards her my legs started to tingle,

I grabbed onto the wall for support.

I was panicking … then I felt Emma grab my arm.

It brought a weird sensation,

Like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders.

Everyone was staring at me, I wanted to be swallowed up and taken away from this embarrassment.

I was sat down in a wheelchair and wheeled into one of the small treatment rooms.

Emma asked me if I had my chair with me,

I said it was in the car.

She sent Matt a free Physio to get it for me so I could work with my chair in the Gym once all of the forms had been filled out.

Emma's POV

I saw Sam sitting in the waiting room the look on her face is one I have seen many a times,

The look of denial,

Not wanting to accept it has happened to her.

The look of fear, of what awaits for her in the future.

Not wanting anyone to know.

I said her name to call her forward, I could see it happen almost instantly,

The way her legs quivered under her small weight.

She grabbed the bar on the wall, holding her weight up,

I hesitated to see if she would look for help.

She didn't.

This worried me, but I had an Idea I would have to discuss with her, if not in this session then the one on Thursday.

Matt wheeled a chair over and we took her into my room, before I asked her if her Chair was in her car, she yet again hesitated… but a positive response followed.

I sent Matt to get it and he happily obliged.

Sam's POV:

Matt wheeled my chair in and Emma said that she was going to teach me how to transfer in and out of it before we went into the gym.

She placed a foam mat on the floor and helped me to slide down onto it, I was taught where is best to place my chair and how best to position myself.

It didn't take me long to master getting in and out, I am a quick learner after all.

Once I was happy and the forms were all filled in I slowly wheeled myself into the gym with Emma guiding me at my side. We started with the weights, as core and arm strength are vital.

After about 20 mins we headed over to the bars, these were to test how much my legs were functioning and my balance.

I hoisted myself up using the bars and slowly put more weight on my legs,

Some sensation had come back but not enough to be able to solely hold my weight.

As I sat back in my Chair, I looked at Emma and said, What am I going to do I have a shift in an hour, if I can't walk I can't treat my patients.

I was getting upset so we went back into the room and Emma said I could get away with just my crutches for today but I would need to use my chair whenever I could to take the strain of my weight off my arms.

She said she was going to get some information about something for me sorted for Thursday that she thinks would help, and to keep my head high.

Just as I was leaving the room it dawned on me that I would not be able to drive round to the ED, so I asked Emma if she knew someone who could drive me round until I had the chance to get hand driving fitted into my car.

She said she would do it for me and helped me with my car transfer and put my chair on the back set before passing my crutches forward.

She drove round and parked in my spot and helped me out of the car.

We said our goodbyes and I slowly made my way towards the entrance on my crutches.


	4. Chapter 4The first shift back

The First Shift Back:

Sam's POV

I slowly but surely crutched my way into the staff room, I'm amazed that no one has noticed me yet.

I grabbed my bag made my way to the disabled toilet, knowing I would need the seat.

Once I had tackled myself into my scrubs and had won the fight to get my trainers on, I headed back to the staff room to put my bag away and get a drink.

This idea was easier than it sounded, I got my bag away fine.

But I thanked that there were bar stool seats that I could use to make a coffee and take my tablets.

Just as I put the kettle back I heard a crash beside me...

My crutches had fallen to the floor with a clatter, I stared at them wondering how I was going to get them back without help, when the door swung open, it was Tess checking I was ok.

_(In thought)_

_Just ask her to pick them up, you can do it!_

(Out loud)

Tess, could you possibly pick my crutches up?

Tess's POV

I walked as swiftly as I could when I heard the clatter in the staff room knowing that Sam was in there, and she had been off ill for a while.

She was sitting on one of the stools starring at the floor,

I followed her gaze and saw some crutches.

She hadn't mentioned crutches when she said she would be coming in.

I almost had to ask her to repeat the question just to check I heard right when she asked for help.

But I thought best to smile and oblige, and picked them up for her, I asked her if she was ready to start as we were short staffed out on the floor.

She said yes.

But when she stood and begun walking she was moving very awkwardly, like it was a real strain.

I asked her if she wanted a wheelchair for today but she said she would be fine. (I wasn't so sure and was going to keep an eye on her).

Sam's POV

It shocked me when Tess offered me a wheelchair, but I said no…

I couldn't give in to my body…

If I needed to use mine I would use it after lunch…

I can do this only 2 hours till one o'clock.

I just hope I don't get asked to go out with the paramedics.

I was in triage as there weren't enough nurses to cover it and we had plenty of doctors,

It was a relief that I would get to sit down.

As the morning went on getting up and down to call the patients in was getting tiring, to the point I was debating to go and get my chair, but I only had 30 mins left so I hung on.

Before long Fletch had come in to take over.

As I stood up to go to lunch I wobbled and fell, Fletch caught me and placed me in the seat.

Just as this happened I heard Emma at reception asking if they knew where I was.

(Spoken out loud)

Fletch could you go and grab Emma from reception for me?

Fletch's POV

Sam asked me to get someone called Emma for her, considering that I just stopped her from falling I happily obliged to get her so she would stay seated.

I went out and asked Noel where Emma was and he pointed to the lady in physio kit in the waiting area.

I lead her through to where Sam was sat, and waited for her to aid Sam up and they walked out with only a Thank you said.

Sam's POV

Emma couldn't have come at a better time.

She helped me to the car and got my chair out,

I never thought it would be such a relief to sit in my chair again but it was.

We went round to the café to get some lunch and Emma sat opposite me on the table.

She straight away gave me a card with a number on, it said Car Mobility Modifications LTD with their phone number I thanked her and we ate lunch before I took my medication yet again and we said our goodbyes.

Zoe was in this afternoon, that was a conversation I was not looking forward to, especially because I was staying in my chair, but I guess I have to face the truth, I just wish it wasn't today.

What will Sam tell Zoe?


	5. Chapter 5 Facing the Truth

Facing the Truth:

Before wheeling myself inside, I went round the corner where I could make a phone call to the car mobility company.

They were very helpful and were sending someone to pick my car up that afternoon, I told them to ask at the ED reception for an envelope with their company name on, in which I had put my spare keys.

I took a deep breath and wheeled myself up to reception to give Louise the envelope, her face was shocked to see me of all people in a wheelchair, but for once she made no comment.

I swiftly wheeled away and headed towards the staff room to pick up my stethoscope

As I entered the main department to find Tess, I could hear the whispers:

(Is that Sam, what happened, how long has she been in it).

What Emma said to me went round and round in my head, KEEP YOU HEAD UP.

Tess saw me and smiled, I knew she was worried about me on my crutches earlier, but she knew I was a losing battle to argue with. I think she was happy I had come to my senses and had gotten a chair.

Tess said I was in cubicles and to start whenever.

Just as I was going through to reception, Zoe walked out of her office and called me straight in.

I had lost count how many times I had done this today, But once again I took a deep breath and slowly wheeled towards her office, I made sure my line was good before attempting to get through the door.

What I wasn't expecting was for Charlie to be sitting in her office also.

Zoe's opening line was 'I would ask you to sit down, but I don't need to.'

Zoe's POV

I couldn't believe what I saw when Sam wheeled herself into the department.

Sam of all people, I just couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Normal:

'Sam what happened?' Asked Zoe

Charlie and Zoe look at Sam expectantly, hoping she would open up.

'I'm just going to be in a chair for a while, I don't know how long, but I'll cope.' Sam replied in an evasive tone.

'Is that all the information you are going to give us Sam?' asked Charlie, filled with concern.

With that Sam remained silent.

'Well you are on cubicles and triage until you can walk' Zoe stated.

With that Sam turned around opened the door and wheeled herself out.

Sam's POV

I headed straight to reception to see if my car had been collected yet, Louise said a man came in about 30 minutes ago.

I nodded and picked up the next patient sheet and called them in.

She was a 5yr old girl called Kate in a gymnastics kit with her mum, she had fallen from the beam and fractured her wrist.

She reminded me so much of what I was like at her age...

Full of energy and life...

Not easily put off from her goals...

Determined.

I got her wrist x-rayed and cast.

All hell had broken loose in the time it took me to treat Kate.

People everywhere, it was starting to look like a Saturday night, yet it was only Tuesday.

Tess came up to me and told me to go on triage again to reduce the backlog.

Every patient I saw had the same sort of injuries, minor lacerations, sprains, minor fractures.

But it all got interesting when I'm stitching a teenage girl's face and she had said she has no medical condition, yet she starts fitting.

I call for assistance and get her into resus.

Just after I had over to Zoe I had this weird sensation, so wheeled myself into the staff room, where my leg started spasming, I slid myself to the floor, just as yet again fletch appeared to my rescue, he got my med and the spasm subsided.

We chatted for a bit, until Louise came in saying she was not a personal currier, but she had my keys.

I said my goodbyes as it was 6pm and my shift was over, I caught Zoe on my way out and asked how the girl was, she had been sent up to neurology for tests.

I went out to my car, thank god I'm on the end of the staff row, I got myself in and put my chair in the back before reading the leaflet on how to drive. Once sure I turned on the engine and slowing drove home.

I transferred back into my chair and unlocked my house, putting my mail on my knee and going to make tea, once eaten I opened my mail,

There was a letter it had the medical core stamp in the corner.

As I read it memories came flooding back, but what is asked me shocked me most.

They wanted me to return and give some lectures about frontline medicine and help run a training week for some regular soldiers to give the units more medics.

I decided I would make my decision after I had heard Emma's suggestion on Thursday.

I dragged myself to bed and set my alarm to 10:30am as I had my scheduled day off tomorrow.

What will Sam get up to on her day off, will she find her wheelchair stops her doing what she wants to?


	6. Chapter 6 Day off London

my updates will take longer from now on as I go back to school on Tuesday and have two weeks until mock exams. keep the reviews coming they are appreciated xx

The day off:

When Sam woke to the shriek of her alarm at 10:30am she pushed herself up and slid onto the floor, once down she dragged herself over to the draws and picked out some leggings a top and a warm hoodie.

Once tackled into her clothing she shuffles downstairs and into her chair, not trusting her legs again as she didn't want a repeat of yesterday.

She had some banana on toast and a glass of water before filling her water bottle and packing her bag, making sure she had all her meds, her temporary disabled blue badge till the new one arrived and a jacket, cap and towel in case it rained.

She had phoned two days ago to book the train to London, she had one change, but she had managed to get a first class disabled seat on both trains and had assistance getting on and off both ends.

Sam's POV

I got into my car and drove to the station, I parked and got everything in my chair and got into myself into it and headed towards the station.

People were staring at me, but I ignored them and went to the information desk.

My train was due in 15minutes and they were just getting my assistant, Jack.

Jack pushed me to the lift and took me to platform two over the concourse.

The train pulled in and I waited as jack put the ramp on the train and wheeled me in. I transferred into a seat and waited as the town turned to fields and back again. I was getting off on this stop and transitioning to the mainline to London. As we were making are approach to the station I slid into the aisle seat and pressed the assistance button,

A young lad came and got my chair and helped me get into position for the ramp which was put in place when we stopped.

From there I was wheeled to the next train which had its own built in ramp and wheelchair compartment in front of the disabled seating plus a loo, thank god.

I had an hour train ride ahead of me, I got some food as the cart came down.

But at the next stop they came and said that they needed the disabled seat for someone who was disabled, I was explaining that I booked this seat and chair space as I was disabled and if they tried to move me it would be taking what I booked. It took a good few minutes and the man opposite explaining that he had seen be transferred over to the seat for them to go and try the next class down.

When we finally arrived in London everything went to plan, I got off the train and headed to the taxi que.

Once securely strapped in the taxi we headed towards Oxford Street outside Adidas.

He helped me out of the taxi and I wheeled myself in I went up to floor 2 to pick up some new trainers. I wanted white with fluorescent laces and a purple heal and some plain grey/white for work.

As the attendant got them for me, I wondered if it was a good idea me coming here alone.

As the girl call Sarah returned, she asked me if I wanted help I for once took the offer, she helped me pick out some new running full length trousers and shorts/tracksuit tops and hoodies. I got a few bras and headed towards the gloves, I picked up three pairs, one fingerless and two full gloves but one with thermal liners. Once I paid, Sarah helped me put them in my back pack and secure it back into my chair.

I said thank you and headed off, I had to get to a jewellers which were making me a medical alert tag.

They had to place a portable ramp down for me, but it was worth it.

The bracelet was beautiful, silver with the medical Alert symbol engraved into the front, and my name, date of Birth, MS and my medication written on the back.

I paid and asked for it to be put straight on.

Once out, I got a taxi to the Dominion Theatre where I was watching the We Will Rock you afternoon show.

On arrival I was directed to a lift to go down to the ground level, they wheeled me to the disabled seating.

The show was amazing I dosed off on the train after eating, suddenly jolting awake an hour later with a muscle spasm in my arm. I took my pills and sat reading my emails until I was transferred to the Holby train, then once again to the station. I drove home and practically collapsed on my bed.

I was shattered and had physio tomorrow, I was intrigued to know what Emma's Idea was for me.

Only time would tell.


	7. Chapter 7 Emma's Idea

Emma's Idea:

For the second time this week I found myself sitting waiting for Emma in the rehabilitation waiting room.

She walked up to me smiling, I think it was because I was in my chair, but I hoped it was because her plan was a good one!

I followed her into her room again and parked next to her desk.

Emma's POV

I grinned at Sam and said "before you reject this idea, you are a candidate, you will be fast tracked because of your army background and i think it will really benefit and give you much more freedom."

Sam's POV

I took the leaflet and saw a dog on the front. She wanted me to get a service dog. I thought I always wanted a dog, this would give me the chance to have help without asking people, but would it be giving in.

As I turned the page I saw an appointment card it read Friday 11:00am disability dog centre Jess.

'But this is for tomorrow I have a shift all day tomorrow'.

'I phoned Zoe earlier saying that you won't be in tomorrow or this afternoon physio orders.' Emma explained.

I wheeled myself into the gym with a smile of anticipation on my face.

We did an hour of exercises before doing 30 minutes of getting myself out of trouble.

I departed the hospital and Emma with excitement and anticipation of what was going to happen tomorrow.

I decided I was going to go into town to Waitrose to do some food shopping. As I pulled up I found only one disabled space left, i parked as far to the left of the space as possible, so I could put my chair together.

I wasn't really sure how I was going to shop, but as i went in through the first door I saw a trolley designed to attach to the front of my chair.

Once securely attached, I start to make my way around the store, picking up salad and some other fruit and veg to cook with and make smoothies with, then I headed to the meet isle and picked up some chicken and some mince along with some quorn mince. I picked up some bread, toiletries and yoghurt before starting to unpack at the till. Someone came over and packed for me, and helped me load the five bags into the boot.

Just as I had got back in and buckled up my seatbelt my phone started to ring, it was the ED.

Louise wanted to know when I was coming in as she was not a post lady and would not deliver the parcel she had to sign for, for me.

I told her I would be their shortly and sighed heavily before starting my engine and beginning to steer out of the car park and towards the hospital. It was a ten minute drive before I pulled up in my space and transferred into my chair. Just as I was locking my car, a parking attendet came up to me, I thought could this day get any worse.

He said I was not parked in a disabled place by a reserved doctors space and that I would need to move my car.

I asked him how long he had worked at the hospital, he said it was his second day.

It took about five minutes and him phoning his boss to confirm that I was a doctor and could carry on.

I proceeded to wheel myself up to the reception desk and go straight pas the queue straight to the desk, I heard a remark along the lines of being in a wheelchair does not mean I get to skip the line and I should get to the back.

I ignored these and asked Louise where my parcel was, she said it was hear and gave it to me before giving me the lecture, as I started to head out the door she started saying where was I going as I was meant to be working, but I blanked her.

Once I arrived home I made some tea, had a shower before having an early night and setting my alarm for 09:00am so I would be ready for my meeting Tomorrow.


	8. Chapter 8 the first meeting

The First Meeting:

I woke the next morning filled with anticipation, I finally felt ready to give my life a second chance.

I decided to wear my new trainers and capris with my favourite hoodie with Army Medical Corps on the back and Major Nicholls on the front under our insignia. Once dressed I pulled myself upright and slowly walked downstairs with my crutches, at the bottom I secured myself into my chair and headed to the kitchen. I ate and did my teeth, after deciding it was better to keep my tooth brush in the kitchen, it saved me going back upstairs while I was immobile. I put my hair in a Dutch braid and headed to the car to start my one and a half hour drive to the training centre.

Stopping at the service station 45mins into my journey to buy a drink and nip to the loo was easier said than done. First it took ten minutes to find where the disabled parking was, and two laps round the car park to get a space. Once I finally managed to transfer to my chair and wheel into the service station, I had to wait in a queue for the Disabled toilet.

I waited patiently, when someone whispered as they waited next to me in the ladies queue that was not moving anywhere fast, 'I bet she's faking to get the perks.' And her friend replied 'yer she is way too young to need a wheelchair.'

But I tried to block them out and not let it get to me. I went into the loo and did my chair transfer, knowing they were still standing outside as I could hear them. I stretched to wash my hands before getting back into my chair, only to topple forwards and fall to the floor.

I couldn't reach my breaks to move my chair and I was in a really bad position anyway, so I had no choice but to pull the emergency cord.

.

.

.

About a minute later I heard a knock at the door before someone asking if I was ok, I said no through the door, and that I had fallen to the floor and needed help getting up. He asked if I was descent before unlocking the door with the assistance key and seeing me sitting in a heap on the floor in front of the sink, helpless. I directed him to unlock my breaks and reposition my chair before relocking the breaks. I started to pull myself up checking my legs before I thanked him. Seeing the two girls outside, mouths open catching flies about the fact I needed help getting up off the floor. I followed him to fill out the paperwork for pulling the cord, and thanked him once again, before going to M&S and buying a pitta sandwich and fruit pot plus two bottles of water and a packet of wipes. Once I got back to the car I wiped my legs and hands after being on the floor and hit the road and resumed my trip to the do centre.

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I got a clean run to the centre and parked near the door, where I assembled my chair before taking a deep breath and wheeling into the front desk.

I told the young lad behind the desk that I had an appointment with Jess and gave my name. A lady came out, introducing herself as Jess, who owned the centre, she lead me round a tour of the centre, showing me the training rooms, kennels, accommodation and the dining room.

We went into her office where I had to fill out a questionnaire and application forms, she booked me in for training in two weeks with three other people, as she had a few dogs that may be suitable.

Jess also explained that I was very lucky as most people would be on the waiting list for at least six months if not longer, but because of my army background I was able to do a bit of queue hopping, also the irregularity of my MS allowed me to become higher up on the candidate list, than someone who had a carer or less sudden changes in condition.

I took the information pack, knowing I wold need to go shopping for dog stuff. I knew I needed to tell someone, but didn't know who.

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I ate my lunch in the car before driving home. The whole journey I was thinking about who I could tell, my mind was going between two people, Zoe, but I think she would become to protective, and Fletch.

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I chose Fletch.

I was trying to plan how to explain it to him, unsure of how he would react.

I decided that I would call him when I arrived home.

It was four thirty by the time I arrived and I got a cup of tea before phoning Fletch.

Fletch answered first time and said he would happily come round at 7.30pm to talk.

Now all I had to do was cook tea, and not think too much about what I was about to do.

What was Fletches reaction going to be?


End file.
